I’m on the bus
I’ve got a confession to make,
I wasted the day feeling stressed.
Tears welled up from the pressure in my chest and I’m tired,
And I just need to give it a rest.
I need a life hack,
something to get me to the next level because I’m stuck,
in this day to day groundhog day every day.
Failing at the impossible and irrelevant,
and stressing all the while while you
sit back on your throne and just pile
the tasks at my feet,
to keep me underfoot,
groveling like a slave,
stuck – like I’ve lost a foot but I HAVEN’T,
I’m PERFECTLY mobile,
yet, immobilized by your stress inducing psychosis.
Reach. higher and higher and hire and DANCE,
until we can’t hear the music or feel the rhythm and we’ve forgotten what we’re reaching for-
It didn’t matter
conditioning us to greeed,
Only to want,
more and more
Death comes knocking at our door,
and we can’t even account for all – that – TIME
So then, nothing flashed before our eyes.
Well FUCK IT
My time is mine.
I crave the irresponsibility of it all,
the contradictory release,
to be one, among the many,
Searching for security within our insecurities,
to drown each other in happiness,
the happiness we know and love – and hate.
nameless and faceless.
Who is unimportant,
it’s the What we’re all after,
where I can get heavy,
and deep and low cause we’re high
and at least we understand that we don’t,
and we’re broken.
yearning for instability time ticks by,
the pavement rushes underfoot.
I hear the nothingness is an accomplishment,
but they don’t stand beside me when they say so-
In sensory overload mode just watching while the world speeds by.
All my doing, kept at bay,
guarding my arms
concealing my wounds,
but to no avail.
What’s the point?
Hemorrhage, and reseal me.
I miss the scene.
The glow of the night lights dancing in the night life,
and the opportunity to shut off the world.
It’s all just a phone call away
(reach out and touch me)
Those days are never far behind
(right around the corner)
It seems like only yesterday
(too far for satisfaction)
And here I’m wishing yesterday
(too near for relief)
Was instead today.
It’s all irrelevant
(always the optimist)
Or is that inevitable?
(at least I feel the pain)
I decided long ago that, piece remains atop the table,
Put down, a putdown
Pieces of me,
however microscopic they may be,
collect upon its surface.
Glossy to matte to gray.
Gravity, pulling me back piece by piece,
starving me of peace by piece.
What else is there?
Press forward through the nothingness and THIS
will pass again.
The pavement rushing underfoot.
All this silly dialog will be,
But a silly memory-
Winning a losing battle.
Trapped in perpetual fight,
Dreaming of a fruitless flight.
So they say I need to get out there and make something of myself.
That is to say,
Currently, I’m nothing.
And to become ‘something’
I must do an awful lot of nothing.
Crawling through cyber space
Assigning numerical value to my values,
And telling everyone I’m everything and getting nothing in return.
My life on their terms
A series of debits and credits
Generally, nothing more than a ledger
So, what’s the bottom line?
I wish I had more time.
And so, I think I won’t be ‘something’
No accounting for my value
Or, performing on command
For, I am something now
A big, round, beautiful zero
Neither positive nor negative
Why not just make nothing of ourselves instead?
If we met tomorrow,
what would I say,
what would you?
I’ve thought it over,
over and over,
over so, now I don’t know.
Would I tell you I missed you,
missed you when there was nothing to miss,
missed you when you didn’t exist?
Or was it the ideal of you?
The adventurous “if”
the wonderment of “when”
Like a love lost,
I missed what could have been.
Would I tell you I felt denied
shunned left and shut out.
Would I tell you how HE took your place?
nothing you could ever do
could reclaim it as yours?
Would I tell you that I’m angry?
Angry you let them define you,
And neglect me.
Collateral damage but damage just the same.
Angry you gave up.
Gave up on you,
Would I tell you that none of it even matters anymore?
That you’re just too late.
And that your influence as well as theirs is powerless.
Because I’m FREE.
But then again,
I sure don’t seem to be.
And, at the sight of a strange face, would it all rush back?
Matter like I was 12 years old,
convincing myself that
if I just did little better
you’d be there,
Matter like the light I’d prayed for,
like a lifetime of anticipation,
like constant disappointment,
like a jaded and cynical vision
Will it all come flooding back,
Matter like a missing chapter,
those alternate realities, given new life:
Your better family,
Your other wife,
your better life,
Daddy, tell me the one where I ran you off again?
Would I give you a tour of the world you placed atop my shoulder that blames me?
Would I tell you how hopelessly I tried to grasp control
Would I tell you how I was silenced and it burned hotter deep within
How the silence cracked me
Thickened my skin but scarred my spirit.
A wound I guess I’ve still not mended
But is it?
Will I ever even know
Am I less of a customer because I pay by EBT?
Or is it because I pay late and don’t try to argue down the fee?
Because I follow the rules,
Yet, my dollar is worth less than yours.
Or just worth – LESS
Because I stand all day to earn it,
And because I’m just too big to fit through any loop holes in your government
Because I ride the bus and the train
Eat chips and cakes
And don’t obsess about my weight gain.
Because I work and you supervise,
that makes me less than you
you do realize,
without me, there’d be nothing for you to doSSSSHHHHHHHH
don’t discount my worth based solely on your ego
you don’t go every place that we go.
To the pantry
At 5am to wait in line and beg for a bite to eat.
To the podiatrist,
With no insurance for those shooting pains in my feet
And to SNAP where I get denied and told ‘sorry hun people got it worse then you
they got you beat’
I didn’t realize my life was a game
A snapshot of the working poor
Put that in your frame
If it’s worth it.
If we just worked harder,
We could pull ourselves out.
Does the same hold true to the Somalian’s we gave to, and hear so much about?
Don’t let them turn you against us
A standard ‘us against them’
You don’t know what we’ve seen or where we’ve been.
You hear ONE story and it repeats in your mind, it never ends.
Why not instead,
Spread – out that sympathy
To the homeless, the crazy, the hungry,
To the elderly
We are not numbers
We are one
Simply caught up in the current
Turn around and swim up stream
It’s like you’re stuck in a tractor beam
Remember the enemy because to them we’re ALL poor
They’re the pimps and we’re they’re whores
Don’t be complacent
Speak up and stop being fucked
Or you’ll just allow the fucking to persist.
Am I less?
Well, what’s the bench mark?
Less of a woman with less ample breasts?
Wearing less makeup and a longer dress
Less, sparkle and shine
But more grit and grime
why must I be soft?
Delicate and proper
LIKE a lady?
OR a lady?
What is a lady?
Well, I guess I don’t fit
Because I can’t force-fake a dream of diamonds and marriage and children and debt.
I close my eyes
And fantasize of revolution
I remember the listless limbless child slaves
The ones mining your diamonds for a cup of rice a day
I dream of a new reality where people are valued
Where money falls from grace
Where you’ll all have egg on your face
Don’t try to put me in a box and pop a label on it
You don’t understand because you’re selfish
You are your own sun
And we just orbit
Of no importance
And have convictions
I have love
I’ll not wed society
A society allowing for poverty,
Not for change
Not for love
Not echoing the cries of the vulnerable like thunder
Prim won’t feed the children
And, it would be proper, to put a stop to sex trafficking.
If a “Lady” wears a diamond on her perfectly manicured ring finger,
Does it show her husband her commitment?
Or just that, African children are less important?
I’m not buying what you’re selling
So call me a man because I’ve got balls and you’re right,
A diamond IS forever.
Forever lining the pockets of war profiteers
Forever ruining economies
Forever encouraging genocide
Your divorce will sever ties
But your diamond severed lives
It cast a foreshadow on your union
Polluting the purity of your marriage like raw sewage
All because you acted before you thought
Goo goo gaa gaa over that ring your friend bought
Like a rodent attracted to its shine
It’s just a ring
Well you tell that to him,
The boy with one hand
To his mother
To the villages destroyed and its people run off their land
So you see,
You say is ‘just a ring’
Decide what you stand for.