If we met tomorrow,
what would I say,
what would you?
I’ve thought it over,
over and over,
over so, now I don’t know.
Would I tell you I missed you,
missed you when there was nothing to miss,
missed you when you didn’t exist?
Or was it the ideal of you?
The adventurous “if”
the wonderment of “when”
Like a love lost,
I missed what could have been.
Would I tell you I felt denied
shunned left and shut out.
Would I tell you how HE took your place?
nothing you could ever do
could reclaim it as yours?
Would I tell you that I’m angry?
Angry you let them define you,
And neglect me.
Collateral damage but damage just the same.
Angry you gave up.
Gave up on you,
Would I tell you that none of it even matters anymore?
That you’re just too late.
And that your influence as well as theirs is powerless.
Because I’m FREE.
But then again,
I sure don’t seem to be.
And, at the sight of a strange face, would it all rush back?
Matter like I was 12 years old,
convincing myself that
if I just did little better
you’d be there,
Matter like the light I’d prayed for,
like a lifetime of anticipation,
like constant disappointment,
like a jaded and cynical vision
Will it all come flooding back,
Matter like a missing chapter,
those alternate realities, given new life:
Your better family,
Your other wife,
your better life,
Daddy, tell me the one where I ran you off again?
Would I give you a tour of the world you placed atop my shoulder that blames me?
Would I tell you how hopelessly I tried to grasp control
Would I tell you how I was silenced and it burned hotter deep within
How the silence cracked me
Thickened my skin but scarred my spirit.
A wound I guess I’ve still not mended
But is it?
Will I ever even know