A Special Piece by Matthew Beach

Here is a piece my very talented cousin, Matthew Beach, posted up this morning. It is very personal and got me very choked up. He captures my EXACT feelings. Such talent, I am proud and lucky to have him as a family.

“Pop Pop….. I just wanna let you know, you’re not here but I’ll never let you go, I know you’re wit uncle jerry-o , because you were there to greet him…I have my own son now I wish that you could meet him. I was depressed when you left , but I knew there was a reason…. and when God says it’s your time, you gotta leave then…….(after I breathe in), Please give me a second to explain, I’ve been through a lot of shit, when you were sick it was just pain. I’ve been tryna maintain through the rain and the stormy weather….. but it just ain’t the same cause we’re not all together. All we have is memories of the time passed…… I know it had to kill Uncle Timmy, when Tom passed. It’s just a part of life, the heartbreak and sadness, it’s madness, feels like every year another one passes. I always feel better when the priest reads his passage, then everybody prays….rest in peace is the last wish. Uncle mike was that southern Kentucky Fly guy , gold jewelry out the window whenever you’d see him ride by!….. we all have our days, but today I’m feeling sky high, and thank god for my family and friends that I have by my side!”

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Anxiety Valley

Tremors
Palpitating vibrations
Remnants of the night before
That uneasy feeling
From my stomach to my shoulders
My heart traveling north
That sleepy tingling spreads outward
Intense focus
Sensory overload
Deep breaths
Climbing
Anticipation Mountain
The air is thinning
Shortening breaths and a queasy stomach
The churning acids heating my belly
On the rocks
Elevating altitudes
Cold and numb
Stabilized
Equalized

C

Inner City Peace

This world we’ve constructed for ourselves,

Violent, selfish and uninviting

While, the world on its own,

Nature,

Springtime,

Is just the opposite.

Full of calming beauty,

Coexistence, generosity and openness.

Each day,

If only for a moment,             

I RENOUNCE OUR INDIGNANT, SELF RIGHTEOUS AND CALCULATING WORLD

And simply coexist,                                                                

To feel the wind run across my skin,

The sun, gently warming my hair.

To appreciate the grass, so green and lush,

The flowers, peeking out, just beginning to bloom.

Time to sing along with the birds’ beautiful chipper melody,

And watch the squirrels run with wild freedom.

To immerse myself in harmony,

In peace,

In the natural and true world order,

And simply exist.

 

Here, ownership is nonexistent,

You cannot bottle the breeze,

Or jar a wave.

You can’t purchase freedom,

Or email the glisten of morning sunshine reflecting gloriously off of jet black fur.

If you trap the breeze,

It ceases to exist,

Its spirit dies.

And in effect, you’ll have trapped emptiness,

Nothingness,

Futility, but we continue.

 

I don’t wish to strive,

Or survive

Confine or work.

Produce,

Enlarge or reduce.

I will not grind or achieve or chase.

I’ve no interest in climbing a ladder,

For at the top, only a trapped breeze awaits.

I’d rather a mountain,

A view, some snow.

I yearn for coexistence,

For a purpose and love that are persistent,

Surrounded by sunshine or raindrops,

Engulfed in the breeze.

To cut the chains,

We’ve bound ourselves as willing slaves.

Lose the shackles,

And just be,

Be truly free.

 

 

C

The Widow’s Prison

corpses and counterparts
I weep for the living
the widow
desolate
alone
cold
inconsolable
remote
a pillar of strength in her own time of need
the empty, lifeless corpse of her husband
her love
her one
her only
her other half
her spirit lye in that coffin with him
no escape
expecting him to awake
awaiting his return

jailed
confined and bound
to a lonely yearning life of memories
when will his scent fade
destined to putter around the big empty house
you were supposed to live out your days together
she’ll never dance again
sure she’ll move, but never dance
not with her spirit
the way it was with him
her love
buried deep with her husband
each moment that passes, her heart aches a little more

C

Loathing Humanity

your technological appendages
obsessed
touch tap click zoom tune
in
absorb
stimuluminati, entertain
dance
BOY
grossly engrossed
systematically enslaved
stagnant in a whirlwind
the eye of the storm
the turbine of progression
turn, turn, turn
churn
oblivious to your surroundings
advancing
all the time advancing
but toward what?
closer and closer we inch
toward an illuminated world
glowing with ignorant appeal
and superficial insensitivity
radioactivity
fall out
hi def
but who’s looking for a resolution
what’s left to resolve
do they even hear the issue

constant contact lacking content
excessive
judgments
conclusions mid projection
fencing in a boundless world
infinite information
endless education
yet you drown in a sea of product
placement
entertainment
situated
placed
carefully, thoughtfully, on your shelf
in your path
buy me
electric
turn me on
escape
stupefy
ignore
plug in and shut down
realistic realism
no use for reality
for truth
with screen time increasing, transcending
we’ll make our own

close your eyes
come out and join me
I know you won’t
I know it when I see it
acute superficial self involvement
how cute
absorbed
engorged
sinking
but don’t worry, it’s shallow
your universe is limited
and shrinking every moment
your small world
on artificial life support
it’s all a placebo
you’re Pavlov’s dog
but what happens when you can’t find Pavlov
and the bell is ringing all the time
your vision narrows, blurs
while mine is sweeping
expansive
expanding and sharpening
grip tightly the controls
eased by your Godly strength
you prompt all action
but who holds your controls?
whose hands grip them tightly?
who prompts your action?
or inaction?
who’s that whispering in your ear?
what’s that single slide?
whose hands crafted those shades,
that skewed your perception?
who’s your God?
that puppeteer?
a spectacle

who are you?
I am but a number
carefully calculating
but aren’t we all
the sum of our parts, factors
know your place

a perpetual power trip
tripping
get up – quickly
soon, they’ll round the sheep
for slaughter
pay attention
deficit
shut up- they’re coming!

C

A Lust Affair

From the day we first met
I knew it was love
dug your hooks in
and oh they sank in with ease
you lived so fast
loved so beautifully
so hard
so definitively
such intrigue
such invitation
you were endless
hopeful
like anything and everything was possible
and in arms reach
all we had to do was grab it
ours for the taking
a courtship
quickly you filled my soul
healed my wounds
sealed the cracks
whole again
you held me
led me
to a world I never knew existed
it all comes together
rose colored clarity
dependability
in this thing together
my rock
my structure
freedom
elevation
so quickly you’d whisk away the pain
suck out the loneliness
securing insecurities
a life worth living
a reason
the strength to see another day
with you
life as I knew it was over
a new chapter began,
together.

An eternal kind of love,
no coming back
A scientific kind of love,
you gave me balance
A terminal kind of love,
I knew it’d be the death of me,
by boy was it worth it.
Our love rapidly growing
spinning
swelling
overwhelming
bigger and bigger
it all moved so fast
we would soon wed
a blissful union
butterflies
excitement
the life of the party
pulsing
coursing
lifeblood
life
blood.
a picture
confidence and strength
I desired beauty
so beauty manifested
spirits on high
turned up
turned on
and there’s no turning me off now
fearless, beautiful and thin
but popularity spawns jealousy
and it did.
change of pace
home base, together
I didn’t need to find myself
I found you
oneness, seamless
but togetherness spawns strain
and it did.

your speed first enticed me
but i always seem to be running
keeping up
determination
I’d not fall behind
togetherness was never enough
your scent
your numbing kiss
i couldn’t get my fill
exhaustion
then panic
distance
broken apart, I’d miss you so
fend off the loneliness
but only you could cast it out
alone but for a moment
I’d fall week
it was hard to go on
physically
then panic
drowning
hungry yet nausiated
the pains
the sickness
it was all a dream
a nightmare
would I ever awake?
I’d not known
but I never was awake at all.

Finally, you’d return
but alone,
I’d fallen behind
and I couldn’t catch up fast enough
the unrelenting pace
I couldn’t fall in step
frustration
we’d never be the same again
I’d never be the same again
Somewhere,
there’d been a change
shattered, I’d never find the peace
chasing a memory
I could never get enough
suddenly, I’d become a vat
of desperation and resentment
I hated you
for making me love you
but I couldn’t stop
I wouldn’t
a fine line
a very fine line
you were everything
you were everywhere
but I knew we’d have to part
put an end
but not just yet
paralyzed
I couldn’t walk away
I wouldn’t
a very fine line
fear
the unknown
how would I go on?
slowly
the loneliness crept back
made it’s way in
you at my side,
with me,
in me,
together
but still it came
relentless
now bottomless
I’d never be full
our futile efforts
motions,
just motions
making me sick
deeper breaths
deeper and deeper
fruitless
more was never enough
unattainable satisfaction
how much longer could we take this?
this shivering
I could never get warm
this sweltering
I could never get cool
fidgeting
I never could stay still
high strung
strung up
hung up
just hang it up
just throw it in
inaction to action
terrified
at long last I’d leave you
in search of the unattainable
primal
survival
me or you
the day arrived
I left you at the table
some good friends chose to stay
separation
cold, three degrees

Liberation felt like shit
freedom didn’t feel free at all
it wasn’t
restriction, restraint, law
I’d miss you like a gangrene limb
hallucinating
plagued by your voice
are you there?
is anyone?
am I?
craving you for weeks,
months,
years.
imprisoned by perpetual yearning
guilty
why do I want you?
torture
my small world
devoid of a horizon
the sun never rose or set
just beat
beaten down
defeated
vivid dreams
you stood atop a hill of minds
controlling
pulling strings
silly, I didn’t seem to mind
or did I?
we’d be together
the day we met
NO
better
so happy, full, complete
and… gone
abruptly
alone, I’d awake
drenched, panting, animalistic
and sick to my stomach

independence felt suspiciously like dependence
but what did I know?
a broken neck
eyes in the dirt
rigorous restraint
vigilant stagnance
stuck
when would things look up?
nothingness fills the time
minuets felt like decades
the ticking clock
a metronome
keeping the painfully slow pace
sickness and despair
Gabriel
closely watching over me
sinister eyes
mine
fixated on the sickle
how to fill the time?
the void?
what life is left?
to live
to save
the loneliness engulfed me
surrounded by life
I slowly died
lost
the tears flowed
drained
I felt psychotic, pathetic
I was
molded
set
set up
confidence departed
replaced by a wanton disregard
FUCK IT

Back to my sick sad lonely life
monotony was safety
bland
mindless
droning
mechanical
drones
firebombing the innocence
and creativity
used
used up
I’d stuff it all down
forget, ignore
run
check the rear view
I was running long before we met
and now I’d run again
how habitual
natural forces would have to take me down
eventually I’d tire
I’d run my course
and sit
awakened by the harsh scent of reality
it wreaked of truth
well, eventually came
I’ve been seated ever since
so delicately balanced
a gram could tip the scales
now, finally, time has passed
recalling our love
as if it were yesterday
through all the pain
I’ve gained vision, life, reason
Purpose
I can’t ignore the sickness
remission
but the scars remain
to this day I miss your warm embrace
your hot white life
your energy, your pace
your comforting scent
your healing powers
ashes to ashes
everything must one day end
you wont be mine
but oh,
it does take me back.

C

A Grandmother’s Love

My heart swells at the thought of thee,
your teachings, your scoldings, your love
have all become a part of me

your grace, your beauty
it beams outward from within
a light so bright, it scorches away all sin

leading by example, you showed me the way
you took my hand and coached me
how to live, what to say

Another has never walked this earth
with as much compassion
it engulfs all around you
in a warm and welcoming fashion

You gave me my extremist commitment to family
to oneness, and my dedication
I am indebted to you forever for my basic human education

All the good I do can be credited back to you
for all I’ve learned of goodness
was taught to me by you

your love is a beacon
guiding me home
home is where your love lives
and there I am never alone

your love can heal all wounds
no matter how deep I’m cut
a blinding light in the darkness
it can lead me out of any rut
and when I’m down and out
your love is what will lift me up

your love is massive
huge and overwhelming
it fills my every memory
I feel it near and far
because it lives within me
embedded in my heart

your love is like the tide
keeping ships afloat
in the dead of night
your love is a thick warm coat

your love propels the earth
keeps it turning every day
gravity,
it keeps me grounded
a part of me
your love is here to stay

your love is my world
part of everything we do
infinite and eternal
it will live on after me
and after you

these words
this pen to paper
they’re as close as I can get
for words can’t truly express
how grateful I feel
I could never repay the debt

your love is priceless, precious
and I’m so lucky to have felt it
I understand,
you simply played the hand,
God dealt it

you are but a woman
though your love is transcendental
crashing through boundaries
it’s speed was incidental

your love shone down upon me
and I’ll shine it on the world
spread it like sunshine
to every boy and girl

the sun,
your love is the center
it’ll outlive us all
it’s effects spreading through the world
ripples big and small

Grandma,
I’ll make you proud
and say it loud:

Never forget
this love, that made me who I am
it beamed outward
from within

C