Fight or Flight

I crave the irresponsibility of it all,

selfishly,

the contradictory release,

bare invisibility.

to be one, among the many,

Searching for security within our insecurities,

imploring convention,

to drown each other in happiness,

the happiness we know and love – and hate.

nameless and faceless.

Who is unimportant,

it’s the What we’re all after,

windowless freedom,

Flight.

Home.

where I can get heavy,

and deep and low cause we’re high

and at least we understand that we don’t,

and we’re broken.

yearning for instability time ticks by,

days pass,

the pavement rushes underfoot.

I hear the nothingness is an accomplishment,

but they don’t stand beside me when they say so-

Stuck

Here

Alone

In sensory overload mode just watching while the world speeds by.

All my doing, kept at bay,

guarding my arms

length.

concealing my wounds,

licking,

but to no avail.

What’s the point?

Hemorrhage, and reseal me.

I miss the scene.

The glow of the night lights dancing in the night life,

and the opportunity to shut off the world.

Tempting.

It’s all just a phone call away

(reach out and touch me)

Those days are never far behind

(right around the corner)

It seems like only yesterday

(too far for satisfaction)

And here I’m wishing yesterday

(too near for relief)

Was instead today.

CONSEQUENTLY!

It’s all irrelevant

(always the optimist)

Or is that inevitable?

(at least I feel the pain)

BECAUSE!

I decided long ago that, piece remains atop the table,

Put down, a putdown

Collecting

Dust-

Pieces of me,

however microscopic they may be,

collect upon its surface.

Glossy to matte to gray.

Gravity, pulling me back piece by piece,

starving me of peace by piece.

Starved

What else is there?

I’ll

Just

Proceed

Press forward through the nothingness and THIS

will pass again.

The pavement rushing underfoot.

All this silly dialog will be,

But a silly memory-

Wasted ink

Wasted time

Wasted life.

The Champ!

Winning a losing battle.

Trapped in perpetual fight,

Dreaming of a fruitless flight.

C

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Anxiety Valley

Tremors
Palpitating vibrations
Remnants of the night before
That uneasy feeling
From my stomach to my shoulders
My heart traveling north
That sleepy tingling spreads outward
Intense focus
Sensory overload
Deep breaths
Climbing
Anticipation Mountain
The air is thinning
Shortening breaths and a queasy stomach
The churning acids heating my belly
On the rocks
Elevating altitudes
Cold and numb
Stabilized
Equalized

C

A Lust Affair

From the day we first met
I knew it was love
dug your hooks in
and oh they sank in with ease
you lived so fast
loved so beautifully
so hard
so definitively
such intrigue
such invitation
you were endless
hopeful
like anything and everything was possible
and in arms reach
all we had to do was grab it
ours for the taking
a courtship
quickly you filled my soul
healed my wounds
sealed the cracks
whole again
you held me
led me
to a world I never knew existed
it all comes together
rose colored clarity
dependability
in this thing together
my rock
my structure
freedom
elevation
so quickly you’d whisk away the pain
suck out the loneliness
securing insecurities
a life worth living
a reason
the strength to see another day
with you
life as I knew it was over
a new chapter began,
together.

An eternal kind of love,
no coming back
A scientific kind of love,
you gave me balance
A terminal kind of love,
I knew it’d be the death of me,
by boy was it worth it.
Our love rapidly growing
spinning
swelling
overwhelming
bigger and bigger
it all moved so fast
we would soon wed
a blissful union
butterflies
excitement
the life of the party
pulsing
coursing
lifeblood
life
blood.
a picture
confidence and strength
I desired beauty
so beauty manifested
spirits on high
turned up
turned on
and there’s no turning me off now
fearless, beautiful and thin
but popularity spawns jealousy
and it did.
change of pace
home base, together
I didn’t need to find myself
I found you
oneness, seamless
but togetherness spawns strain
and it did.

your speed first enticed me
but i always seem to be running
keeping up
determination
I’d not fall behind
togetherness was never enough
your scent
your numbing kiss
i couldn’t get my fill
exhaustion
then panic
distance
broken apart, I’d miss you so
fend off the loneliness
but only you could cast it out
alone but for a moment
I’d fall week
it was hard to go on
physically
then panic
drowning
hungry yet nausiated
the pains
the sickness
it was all a dream
a nightmare
would I ever awake?
I’d not known
but I never was awake at all.

Finally, you’d return
but alone,
I’d fallen behind
and I couldn’t catch up fast enough
the unrelenting pace
I couldn’t fall in step
frustration
we’d never be the same again
I’d never be the same again
Somewhere,
there’d been a change
shattered, I’d never find the peace
chasing a memory
I could never get enough
suddenly, I’d become a vat
of desperation and resentment
I hated you
for making me love you
but I couldn’t stop
I wouldn’t
a fine line
a very fine line
you were everything
you were everywhere
but I knew we’d have to part
put an end
but not just yet
paralyzed
I couldn’t walk away
I wouldn’t
a very fine line
fear
the unknown
how would I go on?
slowly
the loneliness crept back
made it’s way in
you at my side,
with me,
in me,
together
but still it came
relentless
now bottomless
I’d never be full
our futile efforts
motions,
just motions
making me sick
deeper breaths
deeper and deeper
fruitless
more was never enough
unattainable satisfaction
how much longer could we take this?
this shivering
I could never get warm
this sweltering
I could never get cool
fidgeting
I never could stay still
high strung
strung up
hung up
just hang it up
just throw it in
inaction to action
terrified
at long last I’d leave you
in search of the unattainable
primal
survival
me or you
the day arrived
I left you at the table
some good friends chose to stay
separation
cold, three degrees

Liberation felt like shit
freedom didn’t feel free at all
it wasn’t
restriction, restraint, law
I’d miss you like a gangrene limb
hallucinating
plagued by your voice
are you there?
is anyone?
am I?
craving you for weeks,
months,
years.
imprisoned by perpetual yearning
guilty
why do I want you?
torture
my small world
devoid of a horizon
the sun never rose or set
just beat
beaten down
defeated
vivid dreams
you stood atop a hill of minds
controlling
pulling strings
silly, I didn’t seem to mind
or did I?
we’d be together
the day we met
NO
better
so happy, full, complete
and… gone
abruptly
alone, I’d awake
drenched, panting, animalistic
and sick to my stomach

independence felt suspiciously like dependence
but what did I know?
a broken neck
eyes in the dirt
rigorous restraint
vigilant stagnance
stuck
when would things look up?
nothingness fills the time
minuets felt like decades
the ticking clock
a metronome
keeping the painfully slow pace
sickness and despair
Gabriel
closely watching over me
sinister eyes
mine
fixated on the sickle
how to fill the time?
the void?
what life is left?
to live
to save
the loneliness engulfed me
surrounded by life
I slowly died
lost
the tears flowed
drained
I felt psychotic, pathetic
I was
molded
set
set up
confidence departed
replaced by a wanton disregard
FUCK IT

Back to my sick sad lonely life
monotony was safety
bland
mindless
droning
mechanical
drones
firebombing the innocence
and creativity
used
used up
I’d stuff it all down
forget, ignore
run
check the rear view
I was running long before we met
and now I’d run again
how habitual
natural forces would have to take me down
eventually I’d tire
I’d run my course
and sit
awakened by the harsh scent of reality
it wreaked of truth
well, eventually came
I’ve been seated ever since
so delicately balanced
a gram could tip the scales
now, finally, time has passed
recalling our love
as if it were yesterday
through all the pain
I’ve gained vision, life, reason
Purpose
I can’t ignore the sickness
remission
but the scars remain
to this day I miss your warm embrace
your hot white life
your energy, your pace
your comforting scent
your healing powers
ashes to ashes
everything must one day end
you wont be mine
but oh,
it does take me back.

C

Full

intoxication is security
a chronic higher state of unconsciousness
day after day
haze after haze
fog after fog
white speed brings numbness
shuts you off
shuts you down
no matter the speed you can’t out run the world

dive in head first
cool and refreshing
but you will soon tire
tides will turn and drag you under
don’t blame the tide when you once enjoyed its comfort
weather the storm
fight for each breath
endure
persevere
overcast sky’s
it feels never ending

a new utopia
scheduled and professional
focused and busy
efficient and effective
acceptable obsessions
the everyday struggle
every day is a struggle

diamond speed bends the light
distorts the image
an alternate reality
clean but tainted

sobriety brings clarity
your clarity boarders conformity
your conformity washes my brain
but its not coming clean
poison
losing my soul
fill me with dreams of materialism and class
blur the line between lower and middle
lost again

glimpses of my life
my old self
not lost
simply stifled by your system
I’ll decipher for myself
success and excess hand in hand
whose success?
clean and straight and narrow
my success happened miles before I saw your ladder
and yes, thats enough.

C